Home sick

Today is the last day my home will be the way it has been for over 50 years. Tomorrow, walls will be knocked down, new ones put up, and the green tiles and floral prints from my childhood, will be replaced with modern woods and shiny marble. Kinda sad, but kind of exciting at the same time.

Tomorrow, we will have been living here at the Omni Hotel for a month and a week. We’re told it will be at least another two weeks before we can move back in.

I don’t mind the hotel. I’ve met some people and had fun here.
I’d just like to be home already.

Confused isn’t even the word i’m looking for.

“Sometimes you laugh when I cry. And you say “huh?” when I make perfect sense…and that in itself should have told me I don’t feel like myself around you.”

…but even when i say that i’ve absolutely had it- that i can’t freaking bear to take it anymore- i can’t completely walk away. Because for every crappy thing you do or say, there’s always something you do that’s sweet. But you have to stop saying those things…
Truth is; you’re not mine. You’re someone else’s. And i’m not the type of person to take somebody’s someone away. I won’t do it, because some of my closest friends have been betrayed that way before..and i have been betrayed that way before. Being left for someone else is one of the most horrible feelings a human being could know. It’s that person’s direct way of saying that there was somebody else out there who was better than you and who’s happiness mattered more than yours. I won’t have it done to someone else, and i won’t let it happen to me again.
That’s why you were never really a part of my plan and you still aren’t. But in the back of my mind i know that things can change in a second and plans don’t always go how you want or expect them to.
Somethings can’t be helped. or stopped. or forgotten.
All i can do is wait. Eagerly, but with patience.

Yea, something like this is totally going down at my wedding…

Ok, so maybe sometimes i overreact.
I have a very short fuse.

Don’t judge me.

5,475 Days

It’s been 15 years to the day that i last saw you. It was one of the worst days of my life, and i know it always will be. Something in me changed that day- something that’s one of my best kept secrets. I wish you could’ve stuck around a little longer- long enough to have spent more time with my sister and to see us grow up. It’s so unfair that she can’t quite remember how great you were; what you smelled like, the taste of your scrambled eggs, to watch you sit on the porch with a beer in one had and a cigarette in the other and just enjoy the day with Bear by your side, a trip to McDonald’s for a Happy Meal, or even to experience the bliss of a freshly made up couch, with cold sheets, a pillow, and the cartoons bouncing about the television screen all day. I miss everything about you- and i know my dad does, too. Very, very much. I see him hurt everyday and it kills me. And i know he’d do just about anything to see you, but i’m selfish and i need him here with me for a while longer.
So, if there’s a way that you’re able to see us right now- i hope you’re not too disappointed. And please, give my dad a sign that says you’re watching over us and that he shouldn’t feel so alone, or stressed, or unhappy.
I miss you.
I love you.
Say hi to grandma for me.

Kikita.

Snow Day!

This morning at around 2 AM, the first snowflake i’ve ever seen fell on me.
I formed and threw my first snowball, heard the delightful crunching sound of the snow beneath my boots, and ran around with my sister, writing our names in the highest piles and taking as many pictures as we could.
The last snow fall in this South Texas city was in 1985. Just a couple years short of when i was born.
Please, Mother Nature- don’t wait so long to let that happen again.

But it’s the year of the Rabbit, and my 24th year (my lucky number). I knew something special was bound to happen.

FUCK YOU,

And here’s to me.

Back to being one.

All is lost.
There’s really no point in even thinking about it anymore.
Honestly, i don’t think you even know what you want.

…but that might be a hypocritical statement.

Forget you.

Today is one of those days where i just want to wash my hands of you. I’ve been trying to give you my all, but it’s like it’s never good enough, or even appreciated. Maybe i’m back to square one and i’m wasting my time.

Whatever, bro, i’m amazing.
I’m not the type of girl you can shatter- i get pissed. And i think that type of girl is the best type because we’re strong. And maybe we have a couple of dings or dents, but we’re never completely broken.

Besides, i can’t help but feel that my heart is somewhere in Seoul.

I AM going to have MY fairytale.

I dreamt about you again last night.
We were sitting somewhere watching a movie and our arms were along side one another. All of a sudden, your pinky grabbed mine and we formed a lock. You said it was your way of promising me that we’d be alright.
And that was the entirety of the dream. Short, simple, and with a message.
I woke up absolutely dying to talk to you, but you beat me to it and made me smile first.
It’s one of the best feelings- but also the worst…because i don’t know the truth.